We’ve all heard the story of King Midas. Dionysus got too drunk (god of wine; he knew how to party) and ended up at Midas’ place. Midas took care of him, held his hair back, didn’t make fun of him for peeing the bed, etc. Dionysus was so grateful he told Midas he could have anything he wanted, so the greedy king asked that everything he touched turn to gold. At first it was fun. Gold car! Gold toilet! Then it was gold food, so, shit, well he couldn’t eat. Then he hugged his daughter and she turned to solid gold. As is often the case with myths and wishes, life didn’t turn out so great.
“Having a Midas touch” is a cute little phrase that refers to everything one touches turning to gold. I was thinking about the good king last week as I thought about those guys for whom everything they touch turns to crap. They have the Hide-us Touch.
Hide-us Touch (n.): a gift acquired by the skeeziest of guys, in which every girl they touch gets an STD, loses faith in the male population, and hates her life. Origin: Hide us…hide us from these guys, hide your friends, hide your sisters.
The Hide-us Touch is common among frat boys. After a few years in the Greek system, they’ve figured out how to play girls. For them, this is a gift from the gods. They know just what to say and do. Their biggest talent is pacing themselves. They know how much to call and when, how many parties to bring a girl to, what nights of the week to ignore her calls, and exactly when it’s time to tell her they don’t really see it going anywhere. (Always, always, always after you have gone to a date party together and had a lot of good sex, never before.)
If Midas touched a woman, she turned into solid gold. If a guy cursed with the Hide-us Touch bangs a girl, she turns to solid genital warts and burning sensations when she pees.
After being touched by King Hide-us, she turns a bit solid inside as well. Her heart gets harder as a matter of self-preservation. Girls who have spent a few years dating — and inevitably getting screwed by the Hide-Us Touch, whether in the form of chlamyida or just heartbreak — reach a point when they just can’t bear the thought of dating anymore.
You want to hide yourself. You want to hide your friends. When you hear your Hide-us guy is dating someone new, the reaction that comes is rarely jealously. It is concern. Oh, poor girl, you think. She’s going to turn to gold soon. She’s got no idea she’s doomed. Because even when King Midas begged the gods to take away his gift and they did, and Midas patted himself on the back for learning his lesson….his daughter was still solid gold. Well, that’s unfair! Similarly, the Hide-us guy gets his HPV cleared up and yet the girls he touched get cervical cancer and infertility. Hey, gods! Did anyone think to turn her back, or was that just not an option?
In my updated of the myth, King Midas tries to jerk off and turns his penis to solid gold, preferably in a semi-erect state. He’s got a perpetual halfsie, but he can’t actually put it in anything. I like that much better.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
hahaha if only the myth ended that way!
my boyfriend just broke up with me (guess that makes it ex-), and this made me die laughing! love it, and thank you:)
Oh I am glad I could be a bright spot in your day!! I have been re-watching the No Asshole Diet this week. What IS it with these GUYS?!