Although I’m sure you were a perfect angel as a child, I am sure you were put in Time Out at some point or another. We all had bad days here and there. We wouldn’t listen. We couldn’t play by the rules. And mom and dad had to let us know who’s boss. So we were put on a chair all alone and to think about what we’d done while we watched all the fun everyone else was having. It’s a weak sentence, usually only 10 or 15 minutes (a timer would be set so we served not a second more or a second less), although if we cried or threw a tantrum, our session started over. Our parents didn’t want to put us Time Out, and they always forgave the indiscretion almost immediately…but they had to make us sweat it out a little. Minor loneliness, shame, and humiliation are effective rehabilitators for children. When that kitchen timer dings, you may rejoin the playground. Hopefully you’ll think twice before being bad again.
I thought Time Out was something that was reserved for children, but I’ve come to realize dating comes with Time Out too. You may have not even realized you were in Time Out. I’ve now realized it’s happened to me frequently. I’ve spent a lot of time in a chair, alone, pouting, not allowed to play with the boys anymore. And like the bratty kid who gets all his toys taken away and doesn’t even care, I’m always quickly acting up again and back to being punished.
Little kids test a lot of behaviors to learn what is appropriate. They do things to see if they will get a spanking. When dating, no one ever really knows the appropriate behavior either. So we test the waters, doing little things we know may get us in trouble, but not really caring because we know it’s the only way we’ll learn. And if we’re the one feeling wronged, we know we can’t dole out a major punishment—there is no break-up or falling out, and we still like the person—so we just toss them in a little Time Out to see how they’ll respond. Will they throw a temper tantrum? Get sassy? Or cry and whine and promise to be better next time?
The following offenses may land you in Time Out:
1. Disproportionate Drunk Dialing. The other party questions your intentions toward him because you can’t stop texting him from the bar. You’ve always got a drink in one hand and your Blackberry in the other. They aren’t sure if you’re interested in them or if you’re just a loose lush, so they toss you in Time Out.
2. Facebook Flirtations. Maybe they caught you tagged in too many pictures you’re your “We’re just really good friends!” ex, or you’re tagged at a bunch of date parties dry humping your date, along with everyone else’s. Maybe you’ve been all up on somebody’s Wall, and they on yours. Perhaps you are just RSVP’d “Attending” to a large number of social events, including a “Come Dressed to Get Laid” party. (True party. My question is, when don’t we?) Regardless, your cyber conduct screams, “I love being single!” The other person no longer feels special. He stops himself from writing on your Wall, because will you even notice? Go directly to Time Out.
3. Social Snubs. We can’t ever avoid running into the exact people we don’t want to see. Maybe you saw this person at the library and didn’t give them a hug or invite them to sit at your table. Maybe they spot you at the gym but the sweat is dripping in your eyes and you don’t want to interrupt their workout so you say nothing. Maybe they run into you when you’re at the bar, taking shots with several friends of the opposite sex. They can’t make a big deal out of this little slight, but they’re totally annoyed your social life does not include them (and yes, the library and the gym is part of your social life). Time Out!
4. Bedroom Bungles. Things were going great. Then you started to get a little naked and you blew it. (The situation, not like, It it. Though maybe that too.) If you’re a girl, being too frigid can land you in Time Out, as can going all the way on the first date. (Although that’s a whole other story.) For a guy, maybe he got a little carried away and started reaching for the Trojans before she even had a chance to decide if she likes you. The easiest way to have a bedroom bungle is to go at it drunk — then any number of awkward things can happen, but you aren’t sure if you should blame the alcohol or the other person.
A bedroom bungle generally results in a complicated, confusing, kind of a mutual Time Out because you aren’t sure if you were in the wrong or not. “So what if I move fast? I can’t help the way I feel.” “So what if I said no to sex? We were both hammered and I’m not ready.” “So what if I was too drunk to get it up? It happens to everyone and she should be more understanding!” Because you aren’t sure if you’re doling out punishment or being punished, it can go on indefinitely. No one’s getting laid until Time Out is over, but Time Out can’t be over until someone breaks down and says, “You know what? Yes our hook-up was awkward and unsatisfying, but a Needs Improvement is different from Failing!”
5. Loose Lips. So you did it. You dated someone else at the same time. And then you talked about it. You’re single, you’re allowed, and you both know that, but the other person still isn’t happy about it. Friend, you are sitting in Time Out until he feels good and ready to let you out. He won’t even set a timer. Your punishment ends when he says it does. (In the meantime, you probably continue your indiscretions. Doesn’t the understand that if he puts you in the corner, you’ll just do it in the chair? But then you just keep getting minutes added to your sentence, and I guess that sassy attitude is how I ended up getting TV taken away for six months when I was young.)
The problem with all these behaviors is they don’t break any rules exactly; they just cause hurt feelings and insecurity. You may not even realize you were doing something wrong. “Sure I text you from the bar…but that doesn’t mean I’m drunk and looking for booty.” “So what if I go to a lot of formals? I like wearing cute dresses!” “So what if I banged my ex and that frat guy and told you about it? I HAVE NEEDS…that I chose to satisfy with someone other than you.” (OK…that last one is by far the least defensible. I’m learning sometimes you gotta shut up and wait for the timer.)
No one will ever tell you if they’ve put you in Time Out, and you may not realize you did anything wrong. You’ll spend a week confused and chasing someone who is suddenly standoffish and cold. Even when you do realize it, you can’t apologize if the person won’t confront you. It’s like if you broke your mom’s favorite vase and you don’t know if she knows yet, so you just avoid her until she brings it up. “Hey….I think maybe you’re blowing me off because you saw me whoring around last weekend…Oh no? Just my imagination? Oh, OK…forget I said anything.” You can’t exactly post that on his Wall.
Time Out is also really frustrating because you may be being unfairly punished. Much of what is perceived as Time Out-worthy behavior can simply be a series of natural misunderstandings. Maybe the person they think you’ve been with is just a good gay friend. Or maybe you really don’t flirt in the library. Perhaps you just bang on the first date when you really like someone!
But at some point, we’ve all been the one to feel slighted, confused and misled. You can’t blame someone for not wanting to talk to you after they saw you out with someone else. But you also can’t apologize for being single. You don’t blame a child when they didn’t know better. And we don’t know better because — thanks to feminism and “Cosmo” and sexting and Facebook — the rules are now so undefined.
We put people in Time Out to see what they’ll do. We punish children by making them feel like they’re missing out. When a guy slights me, I want him to feel the same.
But when the timer goes off, what happens next? Do you have The Talk, or do you just run back and start playing again like nothing ever happened? Do you swear you’ll never do it again, when really you might need more than 15 minutes solo to make that kind of a promise? Sometimes stepping out and watching the games go on without you doesn’t make you miss playing the game. When your punishment is up, you may have reached the conclusion that you didn’t so much mind sitting alone.
Or maybe you think you’re in Time Out, when in reality, your transgression got you Grounded. And at that point, young lady, just cancel your Facebook and turn off your phone because you’re not seeing anyone you want for a very, very long time.
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You are a goddess! amazing. unfortunately, I REALLY needed this post in late December! oh well, there is no doubt I will refer to it for future reference.
.-= melissa (fitnessnyc)´s last blog ..Skinnygirl Dish Review =-.