Hump Day Trick or Treat

Any holiday that includes role playing and portion-control candy is a good holiday for me!! But as much as I love Halloween, the average dude loves it even more. He gets to wear something comfortable/funny and sit back to watch hundreds of drunken girls try to out-slut each other with their costumes.

We have the formula down by now. It’s not too difficult. If you’re trying to get attention, you just dress up as something you can make look “naughty.” But just what you make naughty is going to change what kind of guy is attracted to you on Halloween. Here is my breakdown of some typical Halloween costumes and what kind of guy they may land you.

Naughty Good Girl

You are: A dirty nun, a Catholic school girl, an angel, a secretary — any buttoned-up girl just waiting to go wild.

You’re attracting: Virgins, sadists, dirty old men.

Naughty Bad Girl

You are: A devil, prisoner, a mobster — you’re ready to flaunt your disrespect for authority and play up the time you got a ticket for failing to “Click It.” You’re such a badass.

You’re attracting: Thugs, bad boys, and Christians looking to “save” you (and then bang you).

Naughty Animal

You are: Whether you’re a cat or bunny, you’re quite possibly just a tease. The short hemline says, “Take me home tonight” but the fur trim and fluffy tail says “I gave my word to stop at third.”

You’re attracting: Guys who grew up on remote farms and lost their virginity to the sheep, members of PETA.

Naughty Historical Figure

You are: Dressed as a heroine from literature or mythology, you’re too smart to be anything without some cultural context. My guess is you’re a nerd who stumbled upon her hot bod late in life.

You’re attracting: Grad students, older men, your TA.

Naughty Food Item

You are: A sexy chef, a sexy cupcake, sexy grapes.

You’re attracting: food fetishists, Jared the Subway guy.

Naughty Federal Worker

You are: A cop, a fireman, a drill sergeant—you’re the girl who has always wanted to cuff and collar someone or make a guy drop and give you 20.

You’re attracting: Guys who have a variety of “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers and American flags on their small penis compensation trucks.

Naughty Athlete

You are: A referee, a cheerleader or a baseball player — you’re probably someone who never played sports, but you know guys think it’s hot when girls are “athletic” (but not in the Varsity softball way).

You’re attracting: Guys who have always wanted to get dominated by a women’s soccer team, guys who were the star of their high school football team but weren’t good enough to play in college, lesbians.

Naughty Redneck

You are: Post-Federline Britney, Pre-Hepatitis Pam Anderson, a sexy Nascar driver — you’re ready to ditch the pearl necklace and country club perception people have of you and go slummin’.

You’re attracting: Guys dressed as Kid Rock for the same reason, Nascar enthusiasts who don’t understand the irony of it all.

Naughty Technology

You are: a sexy Facebook page, a sexy ipod….again, the nerd who one day put down the books and realized she had legs.

You’re attracting: the guy dressed as the “I’m a PC” guy, the whole Genius Bar.

I’m usually a naughty technology girl (my ipod costume was epic; last year I was a sexy solar system), but this year I’m going with sexy food item! What kind of naughty are you this year? And what kind of guy is going to want to give you some booooo-ty?