Once You Go (Half) Black: My Quest for an Apple Bottom

While I’m all for civil rights, I have to be honest: I get more excited about half-black victories than I do about all-black ones. Halle Berry. Tiger Woods. Rashida Jones. The Rock. These are my people. When Barack Obama won the election last November, I wept, and not because we had the first black president. No. Because we had the first half-black president. It’s not the same. Half-black people have a different experience than black people. Like, I bet no 100 percent black person has ever been asked, “What color are you?” But I have!! I’ve also been called Chaldean, Hawaiian, Mexican, and — my personal favorite — “way too tan.”

One of the reasons I seemingly throw people off is because I lack some stereotypically black characteristics. I got the genes for the hair, but a few other really good ones passed me by: my DNA lacks both the “America’s Next Best Dance Crew” gene and the bubble butt gene. I’ve tried repeatedly to overcome the lack of dance skills, but, turns out, you will never get the ability to back that thing up until you get a thing back there.

My butt has always had the color and curvature of a pancake. It seems like I should have something back there! Even my white friends have more than I do. Come to think of it, I have a lot of friends with a “whooty.”

My friends’ asses attract football players. My ass could maybe get me a golfer. More likely an accountant.

No matter how much weight I gained or lost, my butt didn’t change shape. When I packed on pounds, nothing happened. That is just cruel. If I’m going to gain weight, at least it should go somewhere where it might do good, rather than evil. When I lost weight, low-rise jeans just slid off me. Even skinny jeans were always slipping out of place, and I don’t really like the “coin slot” look that so many assless white hipster girls rock. All I wanted was that Kardashian-esque bump when I turned to the side. A curve back there is sexy! As J Lo, Kim, and Beyonce have shown us, the bump is luscious and sexy. And while it’s not my intention to bag a football player, or, you know, Diddy, I was starting to get annoyed. As my mom pointed out, the anacondas don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

It was, I realized, time for action. I thought of Rosa Parks, Mary McLeod Bethune, Oprah, Michelle. I could no longer be a half-assed Halfrican!!!! I made a new goal: I will make over my ass! I would do whatever it took until it represented the Nelly lyric, “Is that your ass or your mama half-reindeer?”

They say you can’t spot train, but I’m here to tell you, whether you’re white, Asian, Indian, or, like me, the half-black sheep of your family, you can pump up your posterior. Here’s my recommendations…

1. Get on the elliptical, up the resistance, and crank that shit backwards. The most important thing is you must take the bounce out of it! Glue your heels down and sort of half-squat and use your glutes to move you backwards. Your ass and thighs should feel like bacon sizzling! Do several bursts of this throughout your regular elliptical sessions.

2. Work the incline. Whether you’re running or walking on the treadmill, the incline is clutch. (Just FYI, you should always keep it at at least 1 percent; otherwise, you’re essentially moving downhill.) Turn it up, turn it up! If baby needs back, it’s better to up the incline and do a slow climb rather than run on flat ground. Take your hands off the handles to recruit your abs and lower back, and really push from your booty.

3. Get on the Treadclimber. Not the little stair stepper thing where you pump your feet up and down in place. That’s good, but the rotating stair machine is insane. You simply can’t climb 80 floors on a regular basis and have a flat ass. It’s important to keep your body vertical — please don’t be that girl who is draped over the machine like someone leaving the bar on their 21st birthday — and let your legs and butt do the work. Build up slowly; this machine is one of the only ones that gets my HR as high as it is when I’m running.

4. Spin it out! I have talked about my love of spinning before, but it can do wonders for your ass. When you go into a climbing position (out of the saddle, but crouched over the handlebars), your thighs and butt will be working overtime. I loved when we’d get in that position in class because I totally felt like my true hourglass shape was imminent! And also because it kind of looks like everyone in the class is about to get it doggie-style, and it made me laugh.

5. Add the right moves to your strength training routine. I hate lunges and squats. Hate them, hate them…OK love them. They hurt because they work. I’ve started doing some variations. Now I squat and then kick out to the side as I stand up. And I made over my lunges: lunge forward on the right leg, return to standing. Then immediately lunge to the side like you’re speed skating.

My other go-to moves: stand on your left leg, knee slightly bent, and extend your right leg behind you. Pulse it up and down for 20 reps, the switch sides and repeat. I read in a magazine when I was 14 that it was Britney Spears’ go-to booty move and I’ve been doing it ever since. Way longer than Britney has, as far as I can tell. Another good move is to get down on all fours and extend your right leg, knee bent behind you; slowly pulse up and down for 10 reps. Then extend your leg and move it out to the side so your toe is touching the ground. Use your butt to lift your leg and bring it across to the other side and tap your toe to the ground. Do 10 reps, and then switch sides and repeat!

The cardio machines will help you lose fat in your abdomen and thighs, which will make your butt appear bigger, and they’ll build a little muscle, which you need to fill things out. The squats and lunges will give you more muscle and tone, and the small pulsing moves will help lift your ass to the sky.

While “OMG! Look at her butt, it’s sooo big!” used to be an insult, the fact is, now women are getting butt implants. While I love self-improvement, I’m not about to spend the rest of my life sitting on silicone. So I did all the stuff I outlined above, and, slowly but surely, I developed a decent curve back there! I’m still not on the level of “red beans and rice didn’t miss her,” but it’s helping. Now I attract the “8 Mile” wannabes/Back-Up Dancer types. Awesome. K-Feds of the world…appearances are deceiving! You do not want me. I may now have a booty, but talk to me for five minutes and you’ll realize this is pretty much me in a nutshell...the only thing whiter than my teeth is my personality.

Tagged as: black people, booty, half-black people, lunges, squats, white people, whooty